Difficult Conversations for Those Who Hate Conflict-Part I

Avoiding conflict doesn't create harmony.

Avoiding conflict extends and exacerbates problems, keeping harmony further out of reach.

Growing up, my family had an unofficial motto: "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

This maxim intended to foster politeness and empathy, which it did. However, this saying also trapped my grievances from going anywhere healthy. As a result, I learned how to 'go along to get along,' but I lacked the skills to effectively give meaningful feedback.

This strategy worked well at first. My internal people-pleaser and my conflict-averse self lived in harmony for quite some time. I put my head down, got my work done, and refrained from gossip. My bosses appreciated that.

The problems started when I stepped into more leadership roles, even if I wasn't a direct supervisor. When issues arose, keeping quiet was very stressful. I knew I was letting people down by letting things go. My silence not only prevented people from learning, growing, and expanding their awareness, but it also allowed problems to fester.

The only way I could effectively people-please was if I were to step into conflict. But conflict felt like a third rail, and I was often paralyzed by fear.

So, I tried subtlety, hinting, and lots of indirect communication. I put in a lot of effort, but I wasn't effective.

One day, at a training session on difficult conversations, a French colleague said, "In France, we see feedback as a gift. If I care about you, I will tell you what I think about you. If I don't care about you, I will say nothing and let you look like a fool."

It was a refreshing perspective.

I remembered the times friends and colleagues had pulled me aside and corrected me. It was always embarrassing, yet I was so grateful for the guidance.

Seeing feedback as a gift helped me find my courage.

If you know a difficult conversation is necessary, the first order of business is to work on your own mindset.

Your upbringing. Your childhood may seem too far away to be relevant, but the patterns you learned when you were young persist into adulthood. What was your family experience like when it came to conflict? How did you behave as a kid? Do you show up that way now? How so?

Your experiences. Think about a time when you received difficult feedback that helped you grow. How did it change you? How do you feel about that experience now?

Your mentors. Think of someone who approaches conflict in a way that you admire. What do they do that is different from you? What is their impact on others? What is one aspect of their approach that you would like to adopt?