Three (3) Examples of Boundaries
Boundaries are not rules for other people to follow.
Boundaries are actions you take to protect yourself.
One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that people think they are rules for others to follow. If your boundaries are constantly getting tromped on by others, you make need to shift your thinking.
While expressing your needs and wants is helpful in the boundary-setting process, at the end of the day, they are requests. People can say yes or no to them. Boundaries are actions you take to protect your peace, regardless of another person's behavior.
Let's look at some examples below:
Personal Example of Boundaries
No boundaries: You see socks on the floor, and it bothers you. You pick them up and bring them to the laundry. You feel resentful but say nothing.
Request: "Can you please put your socks in the laundry instead of leaving them on the floor?"
Boundary: "I only wash items in the laundry basket. If they don't make it to the basket, I won't wash them."
Will boundaries instantly make all your resentful feelings disappear? No.
In fact, you may get extra annoyed for the week that the socks pile up. You may feel tempted to renege on your boundary, undermining yourself. Remember, when you set a boundary, you are the one to follow through on it.
Your frustration may not instantly disappear, but when laundry day comes or your partner/kids run out of socks, lessons will be learned, and your people will likely adjust their behavior over time.
Professional Example of Boundaries
No boundaries: Your co-workers use Slack and other forms of communication at all hours of the day. You feel pressured to respond to them promptly, no matter what is happening in your life. You feel resentful, say nothing, and suck it up, responding during all your waking hours.
Request: "Can you not use Slack or text me between 7 pm and 8 am?"
Boundary: "I will not respond to messages between 7 pm and 8 am. If it is urgent, please call me." You set yourself as "unavailable" during those hours and try not to check your devices.
Again, some discomfort will be here, especially as everyone else, including yourself, tries to pull you back to your old ways.
Of course, you can change a boundary at any time. It doesn't have to be a rule that lasts forever. The key is to be in choice about your life.
Someone Crosses Your Boundaries
Crossed boundaries: Your partner yells at you for not picking up their socks and calls you "selfish."
No boundaries: You return to picking up their socks, afraid to rock the boat.
Boundary: "How you are treating me right now is not ok. I'm giving you an opportunity to say something differently. I'm willing to problem solve with you if you speak to me respectfully." If the partner continues to argue, let them know that you will only continue the discussion once both of you are calm and respectful.
Learning to trust yourself, ask for what you want, and follow through with protecting your well-being are skills that don't always come naturally. Boundaries can be tough to follow through on when living or working with someone difficult to be around. However, with proper support, it gets easier.